How to Keep Your Surgical Mask
Fashionable after Swine Flu Season
by Matthew Dexter
You’re probably wondering: “Who is that person behind that loose-fitting surgical swine flu mask everywhere they go, and how do they keep that style so fashionable every season, year-in, year-out?”
Well, lest you think swine flu masks have gone out of style lately merely because you’re hearing little about the epidemic on the news (especially in comparison to the initial orgy of paranoia perpetuated by the mass media), have no fear…swine flu masks have an interminable, ethereal style which fashion experts are predicting to be the next best thing.
But not everybody can get away with this facial accessory, only the keenest and boldest among us can pull it off. Little old ladies can usually wear it with more grace than an anemic seven foot tall woman with ashen complexion in her early twenties. Despite the media blackout concerning the viral resurrection of this innocuous white mask, the virus has not yet dissipated, like the snowpocalypse.
17,000 Americans have died of swine flu, making this mask more than mere fashion statement--an article of the utmost importance to personal safety, style, and hygiene. Snowfall is nothing compared to the majestic float of airborne germs melting in your mouth. Maybe Michael Jackson was on to something when we called him crazy? But it began way before that, before fashion or the HINI strain, on a morning many millenniums from the present. Regardless of origin, the evolution of the swine flu mask has come full circle; it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Peeking in popularity in the spring of 2009, the surgical mask has undergone a resurrection in recent months. Old ladies are famous for creating this style and keeping it in fashion. Nowadays it’s pervasive; whiter, holier than bathing lights from heaven; more natural than raindrops in London. Every occasion you go to the airport (any international airport in the world) you’ll see a swine flu mask; many if you’re observant enough.
A white porous fabric like a flag of surrender to the disease, which seeps into the holes in the mask, often unbeknownst to these stylish fashionistas of the modern decade; these living objects of global fashion, fear, and loathing; wearing hospital facial garb whenever going anywhere outside of their homes. It is unknown what many of them do in the privacy of their residences--whether the masks ever come off for anything other than to eat breakfast in the kitchen with the kids and make love beneath the sheets, to the rhythm of raindrops dripping on the roof.
If you want to pull this style off you need to be an original, not afraid of attention, which will inevitably come in the form of angry gawks and agitated mocks from the morons around you. You will need to enter an aura of your own serenity; a visceral meditation and connection to the intangible universal fabrics which bind us to the earth. You will need to be the center of awareness, the invisible smile of a brave new world, borne through the porous border where fashion meets paranoia.
It won’t be long before awkward and provocative excerpts from runway fashion shows begin airing on nightly news broadcasts, bringing substance back into the public eye, featuring swimsuit models wearing surgical masks with more material than their bikini tops. From Mexico City to Singapore, Seoul to Vancouver, surgical masks are met with madness and acceptance, thoughts of coffins, often separating the mysterious body and soul behind the mask from the common man or woman on the subway, in the grass, on the airplane, in the stands of their child’s little league games.
You must think bold if you are going to stretch that elastic over your head. You will usually be the only member of the family who does so, separating him or herself from the unmasked children that orbit around the masked object of attention. Attention comes as a reminder that the mask is still in style, and a hypochondriac is most likely behind that mask--a fearsome nose and lips hidden by white fashion, a passion for life and fear and ignorance. Oh heavens, if we could all pull it off so flawless.
Well, lest you think swine flu masks have gone out of style lately merely because you’re hearing little about the epidemic on the news (especially in comparison to the initial orgy of paranoia perpetuated by the mass media), have no fear…swine flu masks have an interminable, ethereal style which fashion experts are predicting to be the next best thing.
But not everybody can get away with this facial accessory, only the keenest and boldest among us can pull it off. Little old ladies can usually wear it with more grace than an anemic seven foot tall woman with ashen complexion in her early twenties. Despite the media blackout concerning the viral resurrection of this innocuous white mask, the virus has not yet dissipated, like the snowpocalypse.
17,000 Americans have died of swine flu, making this mask more than mere fashion statement--an article of the utmost importance to personal safety, style, and hygiene. Snowfall is nothing compared to the majestic float of airborne germs melting in your mouth. Maybe Michael Jackson was on to something when we called him crazy? But it began way before that, before fashion or the HINI strain, on a morning many millenniums from the present. Regardless of origin, the evolution of the swine flu mask has come full circle; it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Peeking in popularity in the spring of 2009, the surgical mask has undergone a resurrection in recent months. Old ladies are famous for creating this style and keeping it in fashion. Nowadays it’s pervasive; whiter, holier than bathing lights from heaven; more natural than raindrops in London. Every occasion you go to the airport (any international airport in the world) you’ll see a swine flu mask; many if you’re observant enough.
A white porous fabric like a flag of surrender to the disease, which seeps into the holes in the mask, often unbeknownst to these stylish fashionistas of the modern decade; these living objects of global fashion, fear, and loathing; wearing hospital facial garb whenever going anywhere outside of their homes. It is unknown what many of them do in the privacy of their residences--whether the masks ever come off for anything other than to eat breakfast in the kitchen with the kids and make love beneath the sheets, to the rhythm of raindrops dripping on the roof.
If you want to pull this style off you need to be an original, not afraid of attention, which will inevitably come in the form of angry gawks and agitated mocks from the morons around you. You will need to enter an aura of your own serenity; a visceral meditation and connection to the intangible universal fabrics which bind us to the earth. You will need to be the center of awareness, the invisible smile of a brave new world, borne through the porous border where fashion meets paranoia.
It won’t be long before awkward and provocative excerpts from runway fashion shows begin airing on nightly news broadcasts, bringing substance back into the public eye, featuring swimsuit models wearing surgical masks with more material than their bikini tops. From Mexico City to Singapore, Seoul to Vancouver, surgical masks are met with madness and acceptance, thoughts of coffins, often separating the mysterious body and soul behind the mask from the common man or woman on the subway, in the grass, on the airplane, in the stands of their child’s little league games.
You must think bold if you are going to stretch that elastic over your head. You will usually be the only member of the family who does so, separating him or herself from the unmasked children that orbit around the masked object of attention. Attention comes as a reminder that the mask is still in style, and a hypochondriac is most likely behind that mask--a fearsome nose and lips hidden by white fashion, a passion for life and fear and ignorance. Oh heavens, if we could all pull it off so flawless.
Rejected by PANK, McSweeneys, Abjective, and Travel by Books
Matthew Dexter lives and writes in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
This lunatic gringo has been known to drink
beer and eat shrimp tacos.
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